Do any of you CollegeHumor followers remember this, from early May of this year? Jake and Amir announced that they would accept submissions of fan-written episode scripts for their web series. Anywho, two fellas, Mike and Stefan, submitted the winning script, and here is the resulting video:
The reason I mention this is I just remembered that I submitted a script for this contest, so here it is, freshly dug out of the archives of my Gmail outbox:
Jake and Amir: Lebron
Amir: Hey Jake, did you hear the latest James Cameron news?
Jake: No, Amir, I did not.
Amir: Well, best friend, he might be changing teeth since his just lost in the playoffs.
Amir: That doesn't really explain why he's wearing a headband though...
Jake: OK, Amir, I think by James Cameron, you meant Lebron James, and by teeth, you meant team.
Amir: They're both famous, it's the same thing.
Jake: Not really, they're in two entirely different... why does this matter to you? You don't even watch sports.
Amir: I do so watch sports, every time I organize my day to hang out with you but you have to help your mother clean her house or do something else inconveniently spur-of-the-moment.
Jake: Oh yeah? What position does Lebron James play?
Amir: He's the musher.
Jake: OK, what team does he play for?
Amir: Rocky Mountain Sabercats
Jake: What sport does he play?
Amir: Define "does."
Jake: Is he black or white?
Amir: HA! Trick question: he's Native American. His family calls him "Blazing Leatherfoot" and he does a ritual dance before his games to call upon the blessings of his ancestors to ensure success.
Jake: OK Amir, that's one of the most racist...
Amir: Shhh shhh shhh...
Jake: Amir, what are you...
Jake: Alright, why are you shh-ing...
Amir: (suddenly wearing basketball clothes and a Native American headdress) MAKE IT RAIN! (shoots a basketball at Jake's face)
Jake: AMIR, WHAT THE F...
...and my friend Kyle Hews also submitted a solid script:
Jake and Amir: Alergies
Jake: (taking nasal spray) ah, that's better
Amir: Ah, so better
Jake: I assume that stupefied look on your face is because you've never seen me use nasal spray.
Amir: ... What?
Jake: Thanks for confirming that. Amir, pay attention. I have allergies and they are particularly bad this year, so I'm using nasal spray.
Amir: (Wink, finger gun) gotcha, you have Al's Herpies.
Jake: No, ALL-ER-GIES
Amir: OK, I get it. What is causing your Tapestries?
Jake: *sigh*, It's pollen.
Jake: Pollen, like what comes from plants. Plants make it.
Amir: (looks over at the flowers on his desk, then glares) YOU! STOP KILLING JAKE!
Jake: Amir, stop strangling the flowers, they're not killing me. They just make working here suck, kinda like you d-
Amir: (interrupts, sobbing) I'm sorry I almost killed you Jake, or at least made your day suck.
Jake: It's fine, you do that every day.
Amir: Thanks for forgiving me.
Jake: I wasn't.
Amir: It's great that we have a bond like this. You know what? I'm gonna tell you my allergy.
Jake: A minute ago you didn't know what an allergy was.
Amir: I'm allergic to McDonald's barbecue sauce.
Jake: (suddenly interested, but trying not to show it) Really?
Jake: But you eat it all the time.
Amir: I know, and my tongue bleeds and I fall asleep.
Jake: You mean you become unconcious in a barbecue sauce-induced coma.
Jake: So maybe you should switch to sweet-and-sour sauce or something.
Amir: With your help, I can.
Jake: That's a little creepy...(looks at his computer, looks back, exclaims) You're eating some right now!
Amir: (unconcious, with blood coming out of his mouth) *gurgling sound*