Monday, August 30, 2010

Write an Episode of Jake and Amir Contest

Do any of you CollegeHumor followers remember this, from early May of this year? Jake and Amir announced that they would accept submissions of fan-written episode scripts for their web series. Anywho, two fellas, Mike and Stefan, submitted the winning script, and here is the resulting video:

The reason I mention this is I just remembered that I submitted a script for this contest, so here it is, freshly dug out of the archives of my Gmail outbox:

Jake and Amir: Lebron
Amir: Hey Jake, did you hear the latest James Cameron news?

Jake: No, Amir, I did not.

Amir: Well, best friend, he might be changing teeth since his just lost in the playoffs.

Jake: What?

Amir: That doesn't really explain why he's wearing a headband though...

Jake: OK, Amir, I think by James Cameron, you meant Lebron James, and by teeth, you meant team.

Amir: They're both famous, it's the same thing.

Jake: Not really, they're in two entirely different... why does this matter to you? You don't even watch sports.

Amir: I do so watch sports, every time I organize my day to hang out with you but you have to help your mother clean her house or do something else inconveniently spur-of-the-moment.

Jake: Oh yeah? What position does Lebron James play?

Amir: He's the musher.

Jake: OK, what team does he play for?

Amir: Rocky Mountain Sabercats

Jake: What sport does he play?

Amir: Define "does."

Jake: Is he black or white?

Amir: HA! Trick question: he's Native American. His family calls him "Blazing Leatherfoot" and he does a ritual dance before his games to call upon the blessings of his ancestors to ensure success.

Jake: OK Amir, that's one of the most racist...

Amir: Shhh shhh shhh...

Jake: Amir, what are you...


Jake: Alright, why are you shh-ing...

Amir: (suddenly wearing basketball clothes and a Native American headdress) MAKE IT RAIN! (shoots a basketball at Jake's face)



...and my friend Kyle Hews also submitted a solid script:

Jake and Amir: Alergies

Jake: (taking nasal spray) ah, that's better

Amir: Ah, so better

Jake: What?

Amir: What?

Jake: I assume that stupefied look on your face is because you've never seen me use nasal spray.

Amir: ... What?

Jake: Thanks for confirming that. Amir, pay attention. I have allergies and they are particularly bad this year, so I'm using nasal spray.

Amir: (Wink, finger gun) gotcha, you have Al's Herpies.


Amir: OK, I get it. What is causing your Tapestries?

Jake: *sigh*, It's pollen.

Amir: uuuuuuuuuuuuh.

Jake: Pollen, like what comes from plants. Plants make it.

Amir: (looks over at the flowers on his desk, then glares) YOU! STOP KILLING JAKE!

Jake: Amir, stop strangling the flowers, they're not killing me. They just make working here suck, kinda like you d-

Amir: (interrupts, sobbing) I'm sorry I almost killed you Jake, or at least made your day suck.

Jake: It's fine, you do that every day.

Amir: Thanks for forgiving me.

Jake: I wasn't.

Amir: It's great that we have a bond like this. You know what? I'm gonna tell you my allergy.

Jake: A minute ago you didn't know what an allergy was.

Amir: I'm allergic to McDonald's barbecue sauce.

Jake: (suddenly interested, but trying not to show it) Really?

Amir: Yizz

Jake: But you eat it all the time.

Amir: I know, and my tongue bleeds and I fall asleep.

Jake: You mean you become unconcious in a barbecue sauce-induced coma.

Amir: Yizz

Jake: So maybe you should switch to sweet-and-sour sauce or something.

Amir: With your help, I can.

Jake: That's a little creepy...(looks at his computer, looks back, exclaims) You're eating some right now!

Amir: (unconcious, with blood coming out of his mouth) *gurgling sound*



  1. Script Written by Luke Cyr and GH Bragdon

    Jake And Amir: Pet


    Amir (sobbing/upset): sigh


    (Jake looks up, shakes head and goes back to work)


    Amir (obviously trying to get Jake’s attention): SIGH


    Jake: What?! What’s wrong?


    Amir: I don’t want to talk about it, ok?!


    Jake: Ok! Fine…. (goes back to work)


    Amir: Well if you’re going to be a little bitch about it, my pet died this morning!


    Jake: Uh, I’m afraid to ask, your pet?


    Amir: Yeah my cousin Leeron gave it to me but now its dead and its not coming back!! WHYYY!!!??? (cry a little)


    Jake: Ok calm down. What happened to it?


    Amir: Well I forgot it in my dresser drawer and forgot to feed it or pick up its shit so it died.


    Jake: Wow. That’s absolutely disgusting.


    Amir: Yeah, tell me about it. Now I don’t know what to do with it so I just carry it around in my bag. But it’s like it  was alive last night and no---


    Jake: Whoa whoa, what the f*** are you talking about?


    Amir: Kind of makes you think about how fragile life is.


    Jake: No I’m more concerned about the dead animal you’re carrying around in your bag. Is it here?


    Amir: What else would I do with it? I’m still gravy.


    Jake: Do you mean grieving?


    Amir (blank stare/shrug)


    Jake: Alright, first thing you should do is get rid of the dead animal in your bag.


    Amir: Dead animal? Who said anything about an animal?


    Jake: You literally just finished telling me that your pet died.


    Amir: I know! My digipet died! Thanks for bringing it up.


    Jake: A digipet? Those things are for little kids. You know you can restart those right?


    Amir: Yeaaah ok, like I’m some sort of Harry Potter wizard just bringing things back to life! Thanks for trying to make me feel better Jake, but no thanks!


    Jake: Just let me see it.

    (Amir hands it over)

    Amir: Be gentle.


    (Jake puts pen in restart)

    Amir: Whoa what are you doing you sick fuck?!


    Jake: Calm down. Here you go (hands back the digipet.)


    Amir: Whoa. That’s pretty chill. 






    Amir (Snuggling digipet in baby voice): Who’s a good Jakey, who’s a good Jakey?


  2. Hahaha that's solid. I didn't think the Crabs one was that good, I'm sure there were all kinds that were better (like the three from this post, for instance).