Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Top 9 NBA Ownings of Greg Ostertag

(Before I start, I have a minor piece of blog news: I messed around with the blog a bit, so now when you click a link, it'll open in a new window instead of opening in the same window. It'll be a better way for you to check my in-text references: Just click, check it out for a second, then close it and keep reading.)

For a guy who is 7'2" and once averaged 2.7 blocks per game in a season (1.7 for his career), Greg Ostertag sure gets messed up in the post a lot. He seems like a nice guy (he saved his sister's life by giving her a kidney), but some NBA players just won't stop picking on him. Ostertag has been owned by many a NBA player: here are the top guys who Greg pretty much belongs to.

Honorable Mention. Hakeem Olajuwon

Hakeem "The Dream" did this to guys all the time, and really, there's just about nothing you're going to do to stop it, but what makes this special is that it was Olajuwon's 25,000th NBA point... right in Greg's grill.

9. Dwayne Wade

This would have been higher up if the shot wasn't a big pile of bullcrap. Still, Wade picked this battle: notice how he hesitates around the 3-point line, then realizes that it's Ostertag waiting for him, that it's safe for him to score.

8. Keith "The Boss" Closs

Poor Ostertag gets owned by a guy whose best quality is his nickname: He averaged 3.9 points per game in three NBA seasons, and that dunk constitutes 0.4% of his total career points. It also doesn't hurt that Closs is 7'3".

7. Eddie Jones

Greg shouldn't feel too bad about this one: the former Laker has done similar things to the likes of Shawn Kemp.

6. Amare Stoudamire

Again, another guy who has racked up some frequent flyer miles in his day. I'm sure Greg appreciates the three angles that ESPN provided.

5. Kobe Bryant

Now we get into the repeat offenders. Do you prefer in-your-face or finagle-around-you jams? Have it all.

4. Glenn Robinson

We now delve into Ostertag's unpaid collegiate inferiority, with Glenn Robinson destroying Ostertag's self-esteem twice in the same game. Some dunks, you go around the guy. Others, you go over. Robinson decides to ball it up and do both in the same possession. Then, Greg tries to stop him with mediocre physical contact in a last-ditch effort.

3. Luc Longley

Longley sees Ostertag coming from seven miles away and almost pushes the ball through the backboard. The best part of this play isn't even the block: after, an embarrassed Greg Ostertag fumbles and retrieves the ball, casually saunters to the three-point line with no contention because the other nine people on the court realize how ridiculous an Ostertag shot from that range would be, then Ostertag delivers, barely managing to scrape the bottom of the rim.

2. Shaquille O'Neal
I have no idea about the context of this image, but Shaq must have done something good.

I hear landing on your neck usually ends up well.

1. Michael Jeffrey Jordan
Unquestionably number one, both as best player on the list and biggest mastery over the big white stiff. I found a remarkable four different incidents in which Jordan made Ostertag wish he took over the family business instead of pursuing a professional athletic career.

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